The hugest mistake I have made in a relationship is getting involved with someone who doesn’t have it all together thinking that I could help uplift them with my wholeness. One plus one equals two, and two people in a serious relationship should eventually be working towards becoming one–which is marriage. But a half plus a whole (or a even a half plus a half) will NEVER equal two–which means it can never become one.
When I say a person doesn’t have it all together, I don’t speak of palpable items, like having enough money to pay off all their debt or having a nice car or clean house or well-behaved children. And I’m not referring to the fact that he has no baby mama drama and is into fitness and that he dresses sharp and can cook really well. These notions are all exterior and sadly sometimes these influence some of us women to think a guy might be golden when he’s only gold-plated…
To be whole and have it “all together,” I mean that he is AWARE. He is aware of his sense of purpose. He is aware of his God-given talents. He is aware of what he expects of himself as well as aware of the flaws he has that could become obstacles to those expectations. He is aware of how he treats the people closest to him. He is aware of his resilience and assertiveness. He is not passive; he can make decisions confidently. He is forward but not hurtful. He is aware of his thoughts and emotions. He knows exactly what he wants from life and from people. He is fully aware of his spirituality and what he has to offer the rest of the world. He has a mentor and he most likely even mentors. This type of person listens-to-understand rather than listening-to-respond. This type of person is observant and mindful. He doesn’t fold easily nor get his feelings easily hurt. This type of person is confident and optimistic. He is sure. And he would never ever hold back an apology nor a compliment because he’s real. He’s fearless. He is a rock. He is NOT holey therefore not using love and acceptance from others to fill those holes.
(By the way, THIS is the type of man I need to raise my son! I don’t have children yet but I’m just saying! I get excited imagining a man like this, lol.)
The description of said individual may sound too good to be true. But in actuality, he is not perfect. He’s a sinner and he makes mistakes. He has flaws just like any other man. The biggest difference though is that he is well-aware of them and knows he must work on them.
Sooo, going back to the first paragraph… I consider myself to be whole or at least very aware of myself–mind and body and soul. It is a detrimental mistake and distraction from your purpose when we “wholes” choose to intimately date someone who is not whole. Because they simply aren’t ready to receive what we have to offer. They probably won’t even understand where you’re coming from because it’s foreign to them. Your ideas and your type of affection and your words and just everything attached to something deeply rooted in you–sometimes they just won’t get it and it seems like they won’t even try to. It’s not their fault. I mean, if a person speaking a language you’ve never even heard of tried to explain something to you, how would you even begin to decipher their message? You can’t. You won’t. A person who knows themselves inside and out will never be understood by a person who is trying to figure it all out, unless we break it down Barney style. And nobody wants an entire relationship to be on a Barney level… ‘Cause all the while we are trying to bring them up to par (and “upgrade” them because Beyoncé tried to make that concept cute and acceptable back in 2006), but if they aren’t ready to be brought up to our level of mental understanding and spiritual awareness, they will only end up dragging us down because we aren’t focused on our purpose anymore. We end up too focused on our relationship, like it’s an ongoing project. And we all know at least one person who has become so focused on their significant other that they somewhat forget about their career and their friends and their purpose.
Don’t be that person.
We need NOT make excuses for these “half persons” just because they haven’t harmed us or done anything wrong to us. Because, yeah, this person could be the most kind and fun and loyal person you’ve ever met. But if his or her soul is not ready to receive yours, the relationship could eventually end in flames and tears.
Once we find someone whole and we feel like they may be our soulmate, of course we will still have to learn each other, work together, compromise, make sacrifices and make mistakes, etc. After all, that’s what relationships are about. I never said that the process of two becoming one was simple and headache-free.
But we should never have to dumb our love down for someone who isn’t meant for us in the first place. Trust me that if you fall in love with one of these people, don’t feel like you’re helping them or upgrading them or doing them a favor by staying by their side. Because you can just be their FRIEND and help them and pray for them and encourage them and all that, etc. etc. But by giving your absolute all into them and your relationship, you could end up draining yourself, drying yourself out, and losing yourself in the process. You’ll be a wreck and wake up one day like, “What in the heck am I doing here? What have I gotten myself into?”
That’s what happens when you pour a full glass of water into an empty glass: You helped the empty glass to fill–but at half-full you no longer feel fulfilled and they STILL aren’t filled up because they were empty to begin with. So instead of being TWO content glasses, in the end you’ll’ve created two half-ass individuals.
And my dad has always said to me, “Jasmine, if you’re gonna do something half-assed, don’t do it at all.” I feel like that could somewhat apply here as well.
Please don’t sacrifice your wholeness for somebody else’s halfness. It is extremely difficult to get someone who is not whole to see their own potential to become one with themselves. How many years are you going to spend on trying to get them to realize that potential and then how many years will it take for them to wake up and start working towards it? How long will it take them to see the true potential of the relationship if they fail to see their own individual potential off top?
I believe God made our soulmates so we can both help each other serve our purpose in Him, not in our own selves. But are we able to efficiently do that by spending 5 years trying to lead a horse to water and another 5 trying to get the horse to drink? Half the time, I think the horse wasn’t even thirsty to begin with.
Become One with someone who thirsts for life the way you do and don’t settle for less than that.